That wood be good
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.” “The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief. “Ahh, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
https://youtu.be/L9TXOp4TBOg
Asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
Johnnie didn’t know what else to do to have sex with his wife…
… every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts. They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best toast. One night, Johnnie made a special toast: "I toast to spending the rest of my nights between my wife's legs!" So he won the best toast of the night for the first time. He arrived home buzzed and overly excited thinking this was the night they would finally have sex. "Mary, I won the best toast of the night!" "Really, what did you toast for?" But Johnnie was suddenly scared of making things worse: "Well… I toasted to spending all my days in church!" So the next day, Johnnie and Mary are walking in town and one of Johnnie's friends approaches the couple with a naughty smile. "Mary… did you know Johnnie won the best toast last night?" Johnnie freezes and Mary replies: "Yes, but that's odd… every time I tell him to do it he refuses. If we ever do it, he falls asleep halfway through. And last weekend I had to grab him by his ears, and still, he didn't come!"
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
“How long do you think that fence is?”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
Pho Getaboutit
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
