That’ll be 45 cents, please
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I donβt wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, Iβm getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, Iβm Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
My dad texted this to me, I have experienced a tragic loss as my dad is now a boomer
https://ift.tt/2pC1ZBB
Wireless Application Protocol (WAP) is a technical fashionable for accessing information over a mobile wi-fi network.
Wireless Application Protocol (WAP) is a technical fashionable for accessing information over a mobile wi-fi network. A WAP browser is an internet browser for cell gadgets such as mobile phones that makes use of the protocol. Introduced in 1999, WAP completed a few popularity within the early 2000s, but by means of the 2010s it were largely outmoded by more modern-day requirements.https://ift.tt/2pNZFXJ contemporary handset net browsers now fully assist HTML, so they do not need to use WAP markup for web page compatibility, and consequently, maximum are not able to render and display pages written in WML, WAP’s markup language.
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that sheβll become a hooker.
Sheβs not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, βStand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, Iβll be parked around the corner.β Sheβs standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, βHow much?β She says, βA hundred dollars.β He says, βAll I got is thirtyβ. She says, βHold on,β and runs back to Harry and asks, βWhat can he get for thirty?β βA hand jobβ, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, βIβll be right back.β She runs back to Harry, and asks, βCan you loan this guy seventy bucks?β
Wife: βCan you give the kids a talk on drugs?β
Husband: βOk… but I talk a lot of shit when Iβm highβ
I donβt trust stairs.
Theyβre always up to something.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but it has no atmosphere
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away