We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her…
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
I just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)
Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to spend those 666 years. And so the Devil let the men to three doors. Going through the first door, they entered what looked to be a normal bar. Although, if you were there for more than an hour, you would notice that no matter how much you tried to drink another bottle would appear on the shelf. And even better, the bar always had the exact drink you wanted available. An unlimited supply of every alcoholic beverage in existence. It was, in short, a drunkard's paradise. When they entered the second door, they were greeted by a myriad of women all ready to satisfy every sexual desire they could possible have. There were multiple women of every shape, size and ethnicity imaginable. Looking closer you would notice that there were even celebrity and work crushes from your life in the crowd. Every single one of them ready to please you. It was, in short, a pervert's paradise Finally, when they entered the third door, they found themselves in a forest made of cannabis. The ground was made of kief, all the bushes wore beatiful buds and even the trees were 20 feet tall cannabis plants. There were every strain it has or ever will be possible to grow. You could even find rocks of hashish laying around the forest floor if you looked closely. It was, in short, a stoner's paradise. The Devil asked the men which room they each wanted. The words had barely left the Devil's mouth before the first man ran directly to the room with a myriad of women. The second man then went to the room with the bar, thinking that if he was going to spend 666 years in hell, he might as well be drunk for most of it. Lastly, the third man, thinking he had won the lottery, gladly went towards the room with the forest of cannabis. 666 years later, the Devil returned to see if the men had atoned for their sins. When he opened the first door, bottles slowly rolled out and you could immediately smell piss and puke coming from the room. It took the Devil a while, but he finally found the man nestled between the bottles, smeared in his own shit and puke, and with arguably the worst hangover in history. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When he opened the second door, he was overwhelmed with the sound of hundreds of crying children and angry women. Not ten seconds after the door opened, the man came running, pleading for the Devil to please let him out. There were kids of every age running around screaming and all the women were angry at each other, while everyone, children and mothers alike, were angry at the man. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When the Devil opened the third door, he immediately saw the man sitting cross legged in a giant pool of his own tears. The Devil had not expected this. Confused, he went to ask the man what was wrong. The man, tears still running down his face, looked up at the Devil and said: "I don't have a lighter" Edit: a word Sneak note: ITT a lot of people who wants to ruin the joke 🙁
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
(My dad literally just told me this joke) A friend of mine just bought a hand gun from a t-rex.
He’s a small arms dealer.
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
Did you hear of the dog with denchers?
It was all bark and no bite.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
I just bought a dry-erase board
It’s remarkable!
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."