That’s a cross lab
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
I was sitting in a bar lastnight…
When the bartender yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said back, "CPR? I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank
I have no words for how angry I am.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
Late-Night Confessions: Who Else Struggles to Sleep Early? 😅
Late-Night Confessions: Who Else Struggles to Sleep Early? 😅
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward