That’s a cross lab
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg
… you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
I told my wife I’ll never vaccinate our kids
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…
The Minneapolis?
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
Here we go again
Here we go again
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?" The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her" To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you" "My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days" The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man… And what is your final wish?" "Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you" The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work" Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
$20.00 for a T-Shirt? Ridiculous! $20.00 for DLC skins? Sold!
$20.00 for a T-Shirt? Ridiculous! $20.00 for DLC skins? Sold!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.