What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian
Then Soviet
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
I for one like Roman numerals.
No text found
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest.
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been three sequels (with a forth on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa…
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first case of kid knee stones.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trump’s shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
https://ift.tt/3dralA7
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
The secret service isn’t allowed to say “get down!” Anymore
Now they have to say, “Donald, duck!”