that’s a great idea😐
If I won $298 million I’d donate a quarter of it to charities…
I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
I gave away my empty batteries.
They were free of charge!
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
My teacher told me to turn in my essay…
But I ain’t no snitch.
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
Becoming White
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
![[request] taco fundraising puns](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers
The Times are rough
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
I saw a communist joke the other day,
I just had to share it with everyone
