That’s a lotta damage
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,…
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé.
Her: Whatever floats your boat. Me: No. That’s buoyancy.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
There was a young man…
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
The wheel installer at the auto factory told me, “Man, I’m so tired.”
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.