that’s a really good power point
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A SpecTater.
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said 🥔🥔🥔
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
What’s the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
I ain’t sayin she a gold digger
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
What’s angry, calm and white?
My bi-polar bear.
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick." As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick." The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.