ThAtS eSsEnTiAlLy It
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
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A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
I don’t know what they are even talking about, we have had an incredibly mild winter.
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Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier – he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result. One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds. Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it". "For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"
Why can’t the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
I, for one, like roman numerals.
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A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
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What is Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww!
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today
I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.