# That’s funny

## Can a ninja hit a fly with a ninja star?

Shuriken.

## If you’re questioning your sexuality…

You probably aren't thinking straight.

## Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?

He conditioned it.

## What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

## I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…

When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.

## Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

## My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal

He was sick of me horsing around

## Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?

I’m asking for a friend.

## I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs

## My five year old son was playing in the garden…

When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"

## Why do dachshunds love to race?

Because in the end, they’re all wieners.

## A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.

It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

## I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs

I called it the second hand second hand store

## Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

## What do raspberries do when they play instruments?

They have jam sessions!

## Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.

Pun in, ten dead.

## What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink

B positive

## Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies

## Biker joke

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."

## A Brexit walks into a bar.

The barman says "Why the long farce?"

## What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

## Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?

Come see, come saw

## IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…

…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…

## Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?

They had no chemistry 🥺

## My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.

No text found

## A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

## A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.

So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."

## What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

## How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.

## As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…

My doctor said it's my grains…

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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Thanks.