That’s good analogy, not gonna lie.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please
Mating Bull
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too." They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn.
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Whats Gordon Ramsay’s favourite sub-reddit.
IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle
When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
“We did the biggest death. Many are saying the best most death they’ve ever seen”
https://ift.tt/3bAG0x3
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.
When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!" Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep." The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!" courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A Plagueround
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well….ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."