THAT’S MY STREET
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house
Want to hear a word i just made up?
Plagiarism. I just made up that word.
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent…
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…"give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash. A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications