that’s not even the right template.
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast." The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time
Your body takes a screenshot
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
How did the Sun get a job?
Because It had a lot of degrees.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce