“That’s not socialism, its Capitalism with style” – Republicans, probably
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
The new employee.
This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm…I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…"She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo…it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before…." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
I never knew covering up my bald spot would cost so much.
But it's a price I'm willing toupƩe.
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
This is my first year not going to Fiji because of Covid-19
Normally i donāt go because Iām poor
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I canāt stand living with him. Heās too literal. Me: My truck.
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
SORRY THIS POST IS IN ALL CAPS,
BUT MY KEYBOARD WAS BROKEN.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
Itās his altar ego.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
I went to buy camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldnāt see myself wearing any
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
How does Jesus make tea?
He brews it
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
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I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
My dad died last year when my family couldnāt remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting ābe positiveābut itās hard without him.
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.
The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
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Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture…..
But when I got home, the tables were turned
Why do seagulls travel over the sea?
Because if they traveled over the bay, theyād be bagels
