Thatβs one way to look at it π€£ππ€£π€£
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
I want to hear 99 people sing βAfricaβ by Toto.
Itβs something that a hundred men or more could never do.
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesnβt speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, βMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.β My God,β says his mother. βYou can speak?β To which the German boy replies, βOf course.β "How come you've never spoken before?β asks his father. βWell,β says the boy, βup until now, everything has been satisfactory.β
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. βThatβs one too many!β says the customer.
The clerk replies βItβs a freebieβ
I met a cow who really didn’t want to pay
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
The recipe said, βSet the oven to 180 degrees.β
Now I canβt open it, as the door faces the wall.
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
I asked my wife if I was the only one sheβs been with.
She said βyes, the others were at least eights or ninesβ
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
βcause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
Youβve probably never heard of herbivore.
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
I just found out Iβm colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civicβ¦
But I refused. If Iβm going to have sex, itβs going to be on my own Accord.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
Whatβs Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.