That’s progress!
Don’t be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
Doctor : “ How many times have you watched Mary Poppins?” Me: “About 50, Why?”…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
What do you call a dog floating in water?
A good buoy
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
So he isn’t spotted
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
