Thats punny
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak…
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said… "Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
My wife says she is leaving me because I make geology puns all the time.
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
Sex Therapy
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus