That’s punny

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."

…on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"

The second one’s a repost.

Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.

Yarrbage

Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center

I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A no-bell price

Maybe you should cook them longer…

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son was in there. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "That's my dad outside." "How much did you say the baseball was again?" "$250." The man reluctantly paid the boy, and after waiting for an hour, finally managed to sneak out of the house unseen. A few weeks later, it happens again. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball glove." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." "How much did you say the glove was again?" "$750." "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" "I can't. I sold them," the boy replies. "Really? How much did you sell them for?" "$1,000." "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. "Dark in here," the boy says. The priest growls. "Don't start that shit again."

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him US$ 75,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need… A new Suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.' The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see… size 44 would fit fine. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir.' Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see….. size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'

It was the least I could do for the guy.

I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?

He never lands.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Guess who came crawling back

and name it ElonGates.

​ “How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

They both slowly remove clogs.