Thats punny
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Warning, this is a huge spoiler
https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0699/6735/products/mini-wing-spoiler_copy_x1400.jpg?v=1508404270
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
If you pour salt on a cat’s tail, it’ll fall off…
If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
Dad
https://ift.tt/2DsYG33
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
![[U]nder[s]tandabl[e] love[l]y r[e]action[s] meme[s]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/3opa3h3ekny41-400x568.jpg)
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
Wife asks her husband “Am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.
A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-2-400x433.png)
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.