Thats punny
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes …
But I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey "
![[NSFW] Carl what’s wrong with you??](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/6wurac3p4q841-400x462.jpg)
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with whale DNA?
Kicked out of Sea World
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. Â The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver!
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some assholes got my pen
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
Where does the cynic go to pray ?
The Cynicgogue
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
