that’s real funny
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline
Idk I’m the one who’s asking
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
I just noticed…….
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
german wife bad
Translation:Alexa: ‘Helga, bring Klaus a beer”Most algorithms are programmed by men’https://ift.tt/2H2F8UH
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens…
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex.
“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled. “But… what were you doing?” Timmy asks. “Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous. “Well, there’s no use in that.” “Well, why not?” “Because when you’re out shopping, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!”
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
