that’s real funny
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Idk I’m the one who’s asking
They charged him with attempted murder.
It's like they didn't carrot all.
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
You make the punchline apparent.
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
Translation:Alexa: ‘Helga, bring Klaus a beer”Most algorithms are programmed by men’https://ift.tt/2H2F8UH
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
Apparently he was in over his head.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
"How do you eat with that thing?"
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
He was too far out, man
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
Because they never turn their back on family
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
To keep each udder dry
Because you look like a Queue
I told her we use names now.
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
He told me to give her a handjob.
It's called AD/BC
They took him into custardy
“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled. “But… what were you doing?” Timmy asks. “Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous. “Well, there’s no use in that.” “Well, why not?” “Because when you’re out shopping, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
He was trans-bender