that’s so Trump
Great food, no atmosphere.
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
1. Thermodynamics – energy cannot be created or destroyed 2. Murphy’s – anything that can go wrong will 3. Cole’s – thinly sliced cabbage
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
It’s not Uranus
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
…but I don’t believe him…
With great power comes great electricity bills
No text found
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
But the other 2 are.
The difference is staggering.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
I was fired immediately
That one came right out of the orange.
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
Then he fired me.
BUT MY KEYBOARD WAS BROKEN.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
He was a herbefor
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
But I turned myself around.
It get’s jalapeño face…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
Eventually we drifted apart.
Because they don't even Lyft
Then they literally 4'20"
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."