That’s Socialism
A joke from my daughter: Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?
The Salivation Army
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?" Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam! He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot! Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!” He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl. The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom. “Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!” “Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.” The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!” “I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.” Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Just look for the fresh prints.
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most of then just have 4.
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
