That’s the motivation I was looking for!
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colors?
It had a reptile dysfunction.
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!
it writes other words too but that's my favorite
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
Redneck Divorce
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.