That’s the whole point of r/showertoughts.
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwallโฆ
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
Did you know that there’s actually no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
I was driving along when this man waved me down.
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
That’s how the fight got started…
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started… ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started….. _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started… ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again. I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started… ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started… _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…… ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started… ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started…….. ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork Luke"
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
https://ift.tt/34eN8fL
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. โShit I canโt go home like this my wife will kill meโ The bartender sees this and says โput a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaningโ. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies โa drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaningโ. To which his wife says โOk…then why do you have $40 in your hand?โ โBecause he also shit in my pants.โ
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
A screenshot of a SCREENSHOT of a boomer meme that arrived in my inbox this morning
https://ift.tt/399tpzc
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
I am reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it…
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesnโt want her to be alone. โSix months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.โ โJoe?โ his wife asks. โBut I thought you hated Joe.โ โI do,โ the man answers.
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Iโm really sad that someone stole my front door.
I need closure.
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. โNo way! No needles! I hate needles!โ the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. โI canโt do the gas thing โ the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!โ The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. โNo,โ the patient says, โI am fine with pills.โ The dentist then returns and says, โHere is a Viagra tablet.โ The patient says, โWow โ I didnโt know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!โ โIt doesnโt,โ said the dentist and continued: โBut it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.โ
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Yโknow, one wouldโve been enough.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while heโs drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, โDid you see what your monkey just did?โ The guy says, โNo, what?โ โHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!โ says the bartender. โYeah, that doesnโt surprise me.โ replied the patron. โHe eats everything in sight. Iโll pay for the cue ball and stuff.โ He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later heโs in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. โDid you see what your monkey did now?โ, he asks. โNow what?โ, responds the patron. โWell, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!โ says the barkeeper. โYeah, that doesnโt surprise me.โ replied the patron. โHe still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!โ
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
My favorite sex position is “WOW”…
it's where I flip your MOM over
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
I gave away all of my dead batteries
Free of charge.
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!