That’s too bad, they both seemed like promising treatments…
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators
Im not a fan of hats…
They are too "over the top."
With great reflexes comes great response ability
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I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
What’s the best cheese to bait bear traps with
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!
it writes other words too but that's my favorite
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"