That’s what prescriptions look to me, too …
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
âVery well, my child,â says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, âTell me about your sins.â âWell, Father,â says the guy, âOn Monday, I was at my girlfriendâs house, and, well⊠the two of us alone, the house empty⊠I sinned, Father.â âDonât worry, child,â says the priest, âItâs perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.â âBut Father,â continues the man, âIt doesnât end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriendâs house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well⊠the two of us alone, the house empty⊠I sinned again, Father.â âOh, child,â says the Father, âYou must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.â âBut Father,â says the bloke again, âOn Wednesday, I was at my girlfriendâs house again, and she wasnât there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well⊠the two of us alone, the house empty⊠Again I sinned, Father.â âGood Lord,â says the priest, âChild, you must think about what you do, so pray-â âBut Father,â says the bloke, âOn Thursday, I was at my girlfriendâs house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well⊠the two of us alone, the house empty⊠I sinned yet again, Father.â The priest falls silent. âAnd then,â continues the bloke, âOn Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well⊠the two of us alone, the house emptyâŠâ The priest still did not answer. âAnd on Saturday,â said the bloke, âI went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, wellâŠâ The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth â only to find the priest up on the belfry. âFather,â he calls, âWhat are you doing up there? I havenât finished!â âBack off, Iâm not coming down,â says the priest, âThe two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty⊠and I donât want you to sin anymore.â
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
How do you avoid clickbait?
No text found
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if youâre a good driver, watch out for women turning
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
An international school teacher asks a question: âWhatâs your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?â
An African student responds: Whatâs food? A European student: Whatâs scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: Whatâs "my own opinion"?
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
A chicken pie in jamaica costs ÂŁ2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs ÂŁ2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. ÂŁ2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
Stolen off of r/memes. Go support the original poster. I’ll put his account in the comments
https://ift.tt/2WYsJdm
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
Iâm opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
Iâll never forget my grandfatherâs last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
What gender is google?
Female, she doesnât let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.