“That’s what she said?”
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
I was washing my car with my daughter the other day
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Every day I forget which direction the sun rises…
Then it dawns on me