The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that? " she demanded.
Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836.
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
Ted Singin and Dancin
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
When the punchline becomes apparent!
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
and people are lined up for blocks.
Give it a badge and a gun
Can February March? No, but April May.
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
She looked surprised
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I said toucan play that game.
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
A plasma gun
He said it was a little plane
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
You knock on the door.
She keeps asking how my food is.
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
His name is Fidough
Because he conditioned it