The 2019 Ford FleXL
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Hope this reaches my target audience
Hope this reaches my target audience
Knock knock, who’s there?
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
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I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
Teresa May dies…
Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad…and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years……. The whole of the "Right" was there. Everyone laughing…happy…casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Theresa!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff. "Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this – I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all – but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste…kind of like Middlesborough. She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar….drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
I’ve got two pet monkeys who share an Amazon account…
They're prime mates…
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
In other news: Turtle grandpa can’t stop mitching about the consequences of his own actions
https://ift.tt/37V8bVV