The 4 part trilogy that ends in tragedy
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin.
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
I once had sex with a girl in an apple orchard
I then came in cider.
An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot. "Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!" The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and keeps flying straight and level. The fighter jock asks, "Um… What did you do?" The B-52 pilot says, "I just shut down two engines."
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
Is slaying cheeks worth the risk in the pandemic
https://youtu.be/J3bVYE2B-2s
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
Totally nailed it.
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too