The 4 part trilogy that ends in tragedy
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
Because everyone is Taipei.
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
Because he's my newt
No text found
Because it's not stroganoff.
I got arrested for a salt!
but none of them work
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them…
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves". The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere seemingly a group of children appear on the beach. The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face. Later, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?" The rabbi responds "father, I don't know about you, but my congregation knows me by my face".
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
That priest is in prison now.
I was in solitaire confinement.
…that was not a question.
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
To make it more classy…
It has a nice ring to it.
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
Cop: It was a moving violation.
I think I’m being stalked.