The 4th Branch
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
The inventor of auto correct died last week…
Restaurant In Peace
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
What’s the difference between an American teenage girl and an Arabian teenage girl?
The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
Me telling my dad I’m bisexual:
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $1000 to cover the loss.
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.