The 5th matter matters now
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things…
"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
A man owned a small ranch in Montana,
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
1 person in every 10 doesn’t understand the binary number system.
The other guy is fine with it.
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
Who don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”
"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!