The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
Iโve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because Iโm too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: Iโm really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of โpoudlesโ around. Everyone else : ๐
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
What do you say to your sister when sheโs crying
Are you having a crisis?
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
If โwomb is pronounced โwoomโ, โtombโ is pronounced โtoomโ, then then shouldnโt โbombโ be pronounced
โBOOMโ I hope that blew your minds
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Hey Atheists! If God isnโt real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didnโt have sex?
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
My dadโs a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
Knock knock
Whoโs there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
Itโs okay if your phone autocorrects โfuckโ to โduckโ
Youโre still using fowl language.
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
The Mexicans are upset about Trumpโs wall.
But theyโll get over it
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
โWe are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.โ I said, โthatโs fine, but donโt go into that field over there. You wonโt like it.โ Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, โdo you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!โ I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. โYOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!โ