The actual posted meme was a screen shot of the original
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
What’s an angry window made of?
Tempered glass
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
I rarely tell dad jokes
But the times when I do, he laughs
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
My aunt shared this on Facebook, as a gen z I must say that this is boomer af.
https://ift.tt/36qzF4s
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
Two scientists walk into a bar…
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
Ahhhh, I remember 2018 like it was yesterday.
http://bit.ly/2BQMo33
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”