The Age Old Tradition of Making Snow Dicks
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
How do you disappoint a Redditor?
[removed]
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
All you dads out there couldnβt hold a candle to my dad.
He makes gunpowder for a living.
Why shouldnβt you kiss someone on January 1st?
Itβs only the first date.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, βShame on you,β and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, βShame on you,β and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, βGood job staying faithful,β and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, βWhy are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.β The third guy responds, βI am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.β
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed….
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Inside of brain a HR: You worked 4 different companies so why you cant work longer for one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked one company for 8 years why you leave? (He leaved company he worked for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside of brain a HR:
You worked 4 different companies so why you cant work longer for one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked one company for 8 years why you leave?
(He leaved company he worked for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
I ran into a girl at a vegetarian restaurant that said she new me
But I've never met herbivore
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that canβt count
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, βThisβll be wasted on drugs and booze.β So I just gave it to the homeless guy.