The almighty leader knows all.
I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?
You call them antisemantic!
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?
The can both soften your stool.
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
Ringing the doorbell….
…don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
Christmas joke
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.