The Amazon reality.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."