The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
Me 2 weeks into 2024 (Tomorrow is March 1st)
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
“Sorry boss, I won’t be coming in today for the big meeting,” I told my manager.
"Why's that?" he asked. I said, "Yes, very wise.'
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot.”
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
I write songs about sewing machines…
I’m a Singer songwriter.
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.