The answer may surprise you
Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter…
My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice. Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist." My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years…' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Why don’t americans eat snails?
Because they like fast food.
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits” he says….
…."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!" Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now – what do you want? "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness…"
Dad: Son, what be a pirate’s favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby’s! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate’s favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate’s favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!!
I will find you, I have contacts!
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
