The Apple home button is so nostalgic
Mom, dad… I’m gay…
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
An Afghan
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub…. The doorman stops them and says, âsorry I canât let you in without a Thaiâ.
Whatâs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American…
… an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Briton, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djiboutian, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian, a Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry I canât let you in without a Thai."
Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards sheâs got in her hand.
Iâve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think Iâm an airport building.
Hope itâs not terminal.
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, âI can make the boss give me the day off.â
The man asks, âAnd how would you do that?â The woman says, âJust wait and see.â She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, âWhat are you doing?â The woman replies, âIâm a light bulb.â The boss then says, âYouâve been working so much that youâve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.â The man starts to follow her and the boss says, âWhere are you going?â The man says, âIâm going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?â
So I texted my crush and asked her, âAre you an ancient artifact,â
âBecause I want to date you.â
An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed Jeffrey Epstien didn't kill himself in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
A farmer has four beautiful daughters
Heâs a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder. Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says: âHi, Iâm Freddy! Iâm here to pick up Betty! Weâre gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?â The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he canât see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: âok, have her home by 10.â A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: âHi, Iâm Jim! Iâm here to pick up Kim! Weâre gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?â The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he canât see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: âok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.â A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: âHi, Iâm Joe! Iâm here to pick up Flo! Weâre gonna go to a show! Can she go?â By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he canât see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: âok, have her home by 10.â A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: âHi, Iâm Chuckââ and the farmer shoots him.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I donât go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
Thatâs when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
Whatâs the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know itâs been fired
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
People think that âqueueâ is just âqâ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters arenât silent. Theyâre just waiting their turn.
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!