the audacity!

knock knock
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”
I, for one, like roman numerals.
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Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York
And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough". "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.

Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
An Irishman walks into an American bar
He sits down and orders 3 beers. “You know, you don’t have to order these all at once – I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender. “Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. “Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass?” “Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the front lines
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.

I dunno if someone has found this before but I found it at a place im cleaning today
https://ift.tt/30ErCzz
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
A Jewish boy was failing math.
His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended. The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester. On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs. When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook. “Zach! You got an A! I’m so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?” “No.” “Then what is it? How come you’ve gotten so good at math all of sudden?” “Well mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.”
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
Babies shouldn’t be delivered.
Livers are important.

The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk