the audacity!
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
How do you know when a herpetologist is really upset?
They're throwing a hissy fit.
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.
Then I realised she can't even.
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
What’s black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.
The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.” The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again: “Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.” The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says: “Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.” When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!” The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
