The “ayy lmao” meme doesn’t even make sense here. What is going on?
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
So I bought her a candle.
Me: “Sundae School.”
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
I named it The Trail Mix.
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
It becomes a laughing stock
That would be a big step forward for me
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
To get its pedigree.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
He was disqualified.
No text found
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
He said he'd be right back
They both get stoned after sex
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's."
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
They would call it crucifact.
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
A law suit