the bacteria is straight up not having a good time
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
they are a non-prophet organization
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
mathematics puns make me feel number.
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'' The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'' This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?'' ''A new woman in the neighborhood,'' the sinner replied. ''Very well,'' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ''Is that Nookie Green?'' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ''No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
Add spring water
There was hell toupee.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
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Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
Something inside me says yes
It was pissed off…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
Time cannoli tell
You make them VERY ANGRY.
There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. Remember: 3 stories. The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?" The man went up to the second story and saw his son playing a video game. He told him "You're doing it wrong, you're supposed to-" but the son slapped him, saying "Who's playing? Me or you?" Then he went to the third story and saw his daughter doing homework, and told her "this is the wrong answer" and the daughter slapped him, saying "Who's doing homework? Me or you?" Finally, the man went up to the fourth story. (At this point, hopefully your listener would say "but you said there were only 3 stories!" at which poing you slap him/her and say "Who's telling the joke? Me or you?")
Outlaws are Wanted…
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
I don’t know why
Aisle B, Back