The best cereal to eat while getting in shape.
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children — he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch…he delivered!
https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Imagine the titanic with a lisp..
It’s unthinkable
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
Whats the best pickup line?
A fishing pole
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
I proposed to my ex-wife
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going…
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”