tHe BeSt JoKe IvE hEaRd aLL mOnTh
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
Inside of brain a HR: You worked 4 different companies so why you cant work longer for one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked one company for 8 years why you leave? (He leaved company he worked for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside of brain a HR:
You worked 4 different companies so why you cant work longer for one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked one company for 8 years why you leave?
(He leaved company he worked for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago