The Best People.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
My mom turned 45 last week. So during an argument, I would tell her
"Well, you're half right."
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
If you’re surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
“A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN”…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union