the best pickup line ever
A cop pulls a guy over..
Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.” Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.” The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system” “Nick” “Nick… what?” “Nick nothing, just nick.” Cop says “okay I’m trying to be nice, don’t fuck with me. Explain.” Guy replies “ Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. “ “One night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD. Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD. “Then the VD took my Johnson so now I’m just Nick”
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
Me : Alexa where is my dad?
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
My dad always said “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
The guys who wrote the song “Maneater” started a horse-feed delivery service.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
The canoe store has a big sale last week.
It was quite the oar deal.
Your momma’s so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
A canibal shows up late to a dinner
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
Why don’t Kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.