The best title of all time
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Bob.” Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!" "Never!" said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
What do you call a cow with…
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Stake. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip. What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow. What do you call a cow with five legs? Chernobull.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. get an A in math?
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
Hands down.
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.