The best twitter thread, ever.
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
You’re good, how am I?
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
One boy tell the other: “There is an easy way to get what you want”
The other boy said, "How?" "Tell people you know their secret" The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10" The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15" The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover